It’s just after midnight on Monday July 20, 2020… I really wasn’t going to write anything about my experiences over the last few months since COVID turned many of our lives upside down. On the other hand I don’t really feel like I have many friends around to really talk to. I’ve been dealing with some difficult items outside of my professional life.

Mostly recently I was on vacation all of last week. Yes it was a paid vacation, more of a use it or lose it scenario. I couldn’t travel to New York due to the self-quarantine requirements and not wanting to get caught up in any of that mess. I had a full week of vacation  in June and stayed home due to the protesting and rioting that was happening with basically every city within driving distance of Dallas.

From a responsibility standpoint I feel like I have been doing the right thing. It does sting a bit when I see others who are socializing way more then I am to begin or with their significant others are going to places like Cabo, Puerto Vallarta, or Aruba. I’m happy for them but also wonder in the back of my mind why not me… I had that time, I could easily pay off such a trip in under a month. I also would really hate to go on such a trip by myself.

Dating hasn’t been great either. In March I was chatting with someone for over a month who lives about 1600 miles away and was supposed to visit. That never happened. Then in mid-May I met someone I was starting to have feelings for but only saw a total of once and chatted with for weeks. He’s with his family a few hours drive away even though he lives only 30 min from now. I haven’t seen him since even though he’s always super friendly and accessible  via text message. More recently talked about potentially moving to the east coast for a job opportunity.

Fast forward to today… I matched with someone on Facebook dating, but then saw his profile on one of the apps and his profile said he’s hosting guys to come by his place and follow reckless behavior… So unmatch. Before that I was supposed to go to hang out by the pool with a potential new friend. We texted for a good two hours back and forth, we joked about the swim trunks I would be wearing. Then he flaked out. This wasn’t really the first time either, we had chatted back in 2015. He wasn’t looking to date anyone and kind of disappeared then too. I message people I know and get one words answers back if that. I then start to question why I should bother…

I wonder when things will return back to normal again. My social life was almost non-existent before, now I wonder if people around here still consider me a friend. It feels a bit like I’ve disappeared and simply don’t rank anymore. I’m trying really hard not to sound bitter and jaded, it’s just been a difficult time for me. I should sound more grateful that I’m in good health and not hooked up to a ventilator or struggling with labored breathing / blood clots / other related health issues somewhere. I’ve read too many stories about people who were in fairly normal health, then they went went out to an event once without a mask on and got infected…

One of my closer friends who lives out of state has said maybe I’ve simply exhausted the dating pool here. Things also slow down with age. The ideal guys in my age range and older get in relationships, partnered, or married. Or they are open and looking but there is no possibility of things going anywhere. The younger ones are immature or just looking for a sugar daddy.

In the meantime since I’m focused more on solution vs the problems. I am going to keep trying to stay busy, working on my skills, staying open to the idea of potentially meeting new people, but putting a cap on exactly how much time I spend on apps to meet people. Also taking myself out on a socially-distanced date at least once a week. I do want to have a close circle of friends again and feel loved by another guy romantically who doesn’t just want to hookup. It’s been close to 6 years since someone said I love you to me in that way and it seemed to actually mean something. I guess we all have our own set of issues though. Money, early retirement, etc. are significant but it all feels empty when you are 95-100% by yourself all the time. Maybe I’m overly dramatic. Just want to fix it and move on.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I know it’s whiny, unpolished, not really what the blog is about. I should go to bed now. ❤