Typing this at 2am on a Saturday so have mercy. Simply put I drank too much on Thanksgiving Day. I’m what many would refer to as a lightweight, especially with darker drinks. You’d think that at close to 220lb I would be able to handle my liquor better. I slept for 4 hours after the jolting experience, luckily I was home already.  Then I got back online and went back to sleep. Hungover for a big chunk of Friday. Feel as if I’m to the point where I never want to drink again.

The urge  most people feel to spend money they never had to begin with is lacking in me. Parents are a couple thousand miles away and they know about my financial situation, no kids and friends too know I’m broke. I do want to spend money on my lover though, he goes out of his way time and time again to make me happy.

We met up with two friends today. Both make substantially more money than I do. I would guess 3-4x. One dropped over a G on a Stella Mccartney handbag. Is it the wisest thing she should be doing with her money? I would say hardly, but at the end of the day she can afford it. It’s also a form of retail therapy with some of the other events that have happened over the past year.

I put up a vision board earlier this week. Nothing is on it. Two big things I think are going to be a weight log and a monthly debt log. I’ve been in a mega-rut lately.  Been poor with the student loan cash put aside, then sadness about my great aunt being in and out of the hospital (possibly leukemia..), my 2nd grandmother’s passing in July, a homophobic grandfather who I’m not out to, deceased grandmother, father and never knowing his parents and my mom / stepdad (who recently underwent cancer treatment) being hundreds of miles away. I really try not to let the weight of it pull me down but there are times when it gets ‘heavy’. I think my experiences make me standoffish about people in general. Don’t let them get too close because of the pain of losing them. I’m not really sure what a ‘normal’ family is like.

I have a lot of surface friends in Dallas or people I work with, but not one that I hang with independently of my bf. I think that too has been making me a little crazy. In NY there were like 5 different people I would do things with. Half the things my bf / his friends are into I have no interest in such as Rupaul’s Drag Race, anime tv shows. Idk, I’m just in bitch-mode.  This too shall pass.

Putting in extra starting this week. 45 hours a week minimum. 50 is the ideal. No excuses. Need the money, will split it up in a way that helps me keep my sanity. My commute is easy. The amount of time I would have spent just driving to another company alone would be close to 3 hours. I hate using my Windows Dell laptop, so I can just do work on my Mac when I have the time. Gotta come up with a system that works for me. 🙂

Sold hearing aids on eBay that belonged to my stepdad’s mother a few days ago. They sold for 299.99 less shipping fees, listing fees and PayPal. I agreed to split the profit in half with him. Not including the money I owe back, I have about $30 -75.68  (after my cell phone bill hit) to my name until payday.

Splurged and went to see the new 007 Skyfall movie at IMAX with a friend yesterday. Literally been months since I set foot in a theatre and other than a momentary insulin spike after having a burger and fries I enjoyed it a great deal. I still get shows and movies off the net through other means.

Recently attended a networking event specific to my industry and ran into people who left the firm I’m with at some point in the last year. They enjoyed the sense of camaraderie  and the breadth of things they learned while they were there. Also emphasized how many have left and work in places making a much higher salary.

Last year I grossed less than $15k, this year I will make a little over twice that. Next year my goal is to make 40k+ and not be unemployed at all (6 months last year and 1 this year didn’t help at all) even if things aren’t advancing as quickly as I want.

Student loan payment is due 12/4 452.76, roughly 25% of my net income. Two paychecks to save money for this. I am confident I can do this, though my stress levels are rather higher right now…

Hard to believe I’ve been chipping at this debt and blogging about it for 7 months already. I’ve had numerous hurdles along the way and if the past is any indicator there will be plenty more to come. Lots of events that I’m processing.  First up it’s Halloween, a time I typically have spent celebrating with friends doing something outside the house and exciting. In NY it’s also known as a day you hope your car / house doesn’t get vandalized by some kid with nothing else better to do.

Speaking of NY, the worst hurricane in years hit just a few days ago. Parents and friends still don’t have power last I checked. Trees down left and right, supplied dwindling. Estimated $20b in damage across the eastern seaboard, not to mention the lives lost. I also found out someone I trained with at my company briefly passed away not even a month after we met. He was a nice guy with a good sense of humor. On the surface he looked very confident, dressed to impress, full of energy.

Cash: 518
Credit Card Debt: 0
Student Loan: 42,521.04  @ 4.25%

Started putting aside money each week for the loan. My income isn’t high enough to support the basics and still have any kind of emergency fund. I still feel poor, even doing the minimum I still have almost no money left after the end of each 2 week period. Haven’t made any large ticket items other than the stupidity that ensued on my NY trip. I honestly feel one mis-step away from financial ruin yet doing what I can to keep it all together.

Not going to dwell on this, but an explanation would suffice… After multiple interviews, I didn’t get the job on account of a technicality that I am voluntarily not going into too much detail about as it could have a material impact on future events.

In this new position, I could’ve increased my income significantly, but after bending over backwards, letting this process go on for 5 weeks and going through more interviews than I ever have at any company before it just didn’t work out. Left with a slightly sour taste in my mouth because they didn’t tell me about this issue when I started the process, but everything will work out in the end.

At the beginning of this process I promised myself I wouldn’t get emotionally involved. This is the 2nd time I was *almost* hired somewhere in the last year earning a much higher salary. After 3 interviews, knowing two managers who worked there and having all the interviewers tell me they liked me I still had no offer. I didn’t make the cut for the round of people being hired and a different recruiter e-mailed me almost a full 2 months after my interview to see if I was still interested. So I took the job at the company that went under 6 weeks later.

What I’ve realized is it isn’t just about the immediate earnings, but the long term. I still want to do something I have intense passion for, has decent earnings potential and wouldn’t mind doing for hours on end. Does such a role exist? I’m still figuring out an answer to this question.

It’s quite easy over the course of one’s life to become complacent, to expect everything to stay the same, day-in, day-out. Most of us work the usual 8 hr shift, come home, go out to dinner, watch a show and before we know it, time to go to bed and repeat the cycle all over again. 

Starting here and now, October 12, 2012 I am making a commitment to do something different. To challenge myself each day just a little more and learn to experience life more. Each week I am:

• Do one activity outside the home with my partner that captures the uniqueness of the area we reside. The Dallas Fort Worth area really has a lot to offer and I think we’re only experiencing 1/10^th of it. The plus side is that it will keep the relationship more interesting as there have been stale moments.

• More actively planning. The procrastination takes my stress from 3/10 to a 9/10 for no reason. 15 minutes can save me an hours worth of aggrivation.

• Remembering to sleep. Jekyll and Hyde. Without sleep my natural desire to do good in the world is nonexistent and basic tasks become huge projects as a result.

Keeping the list short now as part of the K.I.S.S. approach to problem resolution.